Who would you cast in the monkey-man movie?

Just as no one ever went broke by underestimating the taste of the great US public, so is it the first law of Hollywood that films featuring monkeys are a guaranteed box office smasheroo (and that's a direct quote from Harvey Weinstein). This week's Casting the News features real monkeys and fake monkeys, a monkey god and much monkey-related hilarity. It's a simian horn of plenty; a till-ringing extravaganza that's like Titanic crossed with Lord of the Rings. Except with more monkeys. The basis for our production is an out-of-work actor named Acchan Miyan, who now poses as – you guessed it – a monkey in order to combat a monkey infestation at a train station in northern India. It transpires that these creatures have been swooping down from the rafters to steal food and rip up train seats. Yet now they have met their match. "Poor passengers will certainly be protected from monkey menace by Acchan's act," explains commuter Santosh Kumar. Monkey Menace might even be a good title for our film. So now Acchan earns the equivalent of £3.50 a day by scurrying about the station, sporting a brown mask, an erect tail and (intriguingly) a pair of natty scarlet shorts. When not on duty he worships at the furry feat of the Hindu monkey god Hanuman and has now gained a level of celebrity that his previous acting work could never have afforded him. Look - here he is in all his glory. Who can play such a man? We quite like Ben Kingsley for the role. Certainly it is of a piece with his recent off-kilter career choices, whether that be groping Mary-Kate Olsen in The Wackness or going hardcore with his astonishing tribute to Minor Threat. Moreover, we reckon that Kingsley might bring a necessary touch of pathos to the role, articulating the conflicted nature of a man who perhaps once dreamed of playing the Dane but now earns his keep by making chimp noises on all fours. What else? We also need someone to play Hanuman the monkey god, the wise mentor who offers advice on technique and behaviour and occasionally goes absolutely bananas and starts hurling his own faeces around the temple (Anthony Hopkins, maybe?). We need a Santosh Kumar, the long-suffering passenger who finds his daily commute bedevilled by crazed simians that nick his lunch and chew his face. And lastly, we require a representative monkey – or at least someone to provide the voice of the representative monkey in the style of Babe the pig. To recap – your cut-and-paste credits …. Acchan Miyan: Hanuman the Monkey God: Santosh Kumar: The Voice of a Monkey: Title: Strapline: Now over to you ...